10 - Dear Me, Have You Changed?

"Write a letter to yourself to be sealed now and opened and read by you in ten years.

What would you like to have yourself remember?"

Isn't it great to write a letter to your future self? It's kind of interesting because somehow you'll know the changes in yourself from the time you wrote that letter to the time you read it in the future. I mean, you can at least know how you think during those years you wrote that letter. 

So, I am writing this letter to you, my future self, because I really want to remind you how I am doing today, 19th of February 2013. So listen carefully to your silly old self.

Dear Future Me,

Tonight, I got home at around 10pm. Why you ask? Well, you waited for your parents who were at a party to pick you up. You waited for two agonizing and sleepy hours just so you can keep the money that's supposed to be for your transportation. Yes, you were that thrifty. I wonder if you're still like that.

Have you changed a lot? I mean, do you still not like wearing cute girly clothes? I hope you started liking them because a lot people today misunderstood you for being too boyish. Most of  the time, you dressed up with only a shirt and a jeans which is actually how most guys dress themselves. You don't even have that much sandals or shoes. It's just your slippers, rubber shoes and high heels which are only for school. Though, right now I'm trying hard to start that change and I hope that you, my future self, has been the result of that.

Right now, you're still a very shy and introvert person. Please, if you're still like this, you must try to speak out and approach people. They're really friendly and they won't bite you. You really have to experience to get to know people. Currently, you're fine around girls but you don't have any idea how to talk to guys. What I meant is you never even have a guy best friend because you never let yourself be open to them. Maybe you've already discovered that not every guy is the same like those you've experienced in the past. I sure hope you do. 

Anyway, have you become successful in your career? I hope that you've become the artist that you dreamed of. Well, I wanted you to have your own business and support yourself and family. If possible, I also want you to go around the world, take a lot of pictures and make  a lot of memories. If you really did become successful, remember our dream to build an orphanage? I hope you'll make it come true.

For the last part, please become the woman you dream of. One that loves God and is willing to be used by Him to become a blessing not only to people but also to the whole world.

I know, this is short, but I'll probably write to you again. Just remember to be always strong and never be afraid to ask for help when the time comes. Knowing you, you'll probably keep everything inside because you're too much concerned on carrying the burdens alone.

Your 17 year old self,

Mich

9 - Poem

I am the second child

And you are the youngest

You grew up with mom

While I grew up with grandma

You were raised in a peaceful place called Cavite

While I was brought up in the chaotic Manila

I got a year older and I finally met mom and you,

It was then that we grew up together

It was then, that I noticed something wasn't right

Mom spent more time with you

And her time for me was limited

I understood that because you're the youngest

And I am the middle child

As we became kids, its still the same

You're much closer to mom than I could ever be

You got mom on your side while I got nothing but myself

Maybe that's why I became the independent person that everyone can see

You see, this is the very reason why I'm envious of you

Its the root of this jealousy that's suffocating me

I was ready to resent you, Prepared to grow up hating you

But then, things had changed

Little by little, you grew on me

You taught me what being selfless is really is

You made me care on things I used to dismiss

And then, you finally made a friend out of me

You told me things like your crushes and dreams

You opened up to me, and I started to do the same

One time, you ran to me

You were crying because you can't handle it all

I should've hugged you, right then and there

But all I could be was a shoulder you leaned on

Forgive for not showing enough love

Forgive me for being mean at times

I am sorry, sorry that I wasn't the best sister you deserved

Right now, I still have a lot of studying to do

About how to be a sister and a friend to you

So just sit back and relax

And wait for me to change

To be the best sister,

You could ever have in this world

8 - Escaping Reality

"If you could do something that you've never done before,

What would it be? Why would you want to do it?"

An island I'd like to escape to

It has always been my dream to get out of reality and never worry about it. It'll be fantastic because I'll be able to get away from the hustle and busyness of life in our current generation. So, if I could do something I've never done before, it'll be to ride a boat, get away from the big city and trap myself in a tropical island. 

Why I want to do that? Because I want to just think of the present and not bother by what tomorrow will bring. Being on an island will force me to do just that. You see, all I have to worry is how to survive and get through the day. I'll only think of what to eat, where to sleep, and how to keep myself alive. There will be no pressures from other people and other stuffs like school. 

Another thing is I don't have to keep up with the world. Gadgets and technology wouldn't matter. I don't have to know about  the latest news and watch the latest episodes of a well-known show. It'll be perfectly alright for me to not care about the world if I'm trapped on an island.

Though, I know that surviving is really hard. One must have the skills and knowledge in order to live at least a day. I mean, you have to know a lot of things about the forest and the plants in it too. There's also the danger of dying of heat stroke or freezing at night and being killed by a wild animal. Everything is complicated because you have to do a lot of tedious work and manual labor..

In the end, risks and dangers are always there in an adventure. It wouldn't be fun if everything is safe and comfy. Right? 

 And this is the kind of adventure and escape from reality I'd like to do but never done before. 

7 - I Know, I'm Careless. I Get It.

"Nothing can be worse than.... feel rejection"

Normally, I would write this kind of things in my journal, but since I locked myself up in this room, it might as well be a good topic for this blog of mine....

Have you ever done something you're afraid to do but you have to do it because it is right? Tried to be honest about something but you still know that they would take really it bad? I did, and I want to shout that it really hurts! It's painful! It's really painful coming out clean and be yelled at like it was the worst thing I've done despite all the hard works I've been through to please them. I feel rejected by my own mom. And you know, it's really funny how the person you love the most can hurt you the most.

Today, I just got scolded by my mom for losing my painting materials. Those painting materials cost a lot and I'm really sorry for it. I know that just saying sorry is not enough because it was my mom's money and all. I deserved that scold but I didn't think it would hurt that much. You see, I just want to be honest so I told her about it. And then, she started telling me how 'burara' I am. She goes on and on about the other thing that I lost and how she wasn't like that when she was at my age. That's what I don't like about my mom.

She can't see that I too hate myself for being too careless and too forgetful that I lost all my painting stuffs. She doesn't even want to hear my explanation. I understand where she's coming from but can't she understand that sometimes, I too want to be understood. That I needed her support at that moment, because I don't know where to get it from other than her.

Nothing can really be worse than feel rejection from your own parents. I'm sorry but I can't promise that I won't lose anything else in the future. Though, I'll try to value more my things.

6 - I am Me and Nothing More

"Have you ever depended yourself from an accusation by another person?"

Being accused of something I did not do or something I'm not, is very offensive. It's like being judged wrongfully. It makes me think of why did they accuse me or what are their bases of their accusations. Then, I'll isolate myself and reflect on my past behavior. I always end up doubting myself to the point that it affects my self-esteem. Yes, I ponder a lot with trivial comments about myself or about what I did.

The other day, a friend of mine told me that I must be a lesbian because I like playing games meant for guys. I ignored it but deep inside, I was really hurt. This friend was judging me as someone I'm not. For him, it might be just a harmless joke but for me, it's not. I was just being myself. Does playing video games for guys makes me a lesbian? Or if I don't wear too girly clothes makes me one? Or the way I act makes me one too? Then I ended up with a question, "Should I change myself so that they won't take me as a lesbian?". They don't know even know the reasons why I act too boyish. I wish they'll try to understand before saying hurtful things.

I was really sad. That little comment made me think of a lot of negative thoughts. I don't like it because my pessimistic side will take over. Why do humans throw out words to others and not realize that they're hurting them? Just because everyone has the right of freedom of speech doesn't mean everyone has the right to say what they think of of a person.

I wasn't able to defend myself. I just kept silent because I don't like argumentations or confrontations. I told myself that I should stop dwelling on it and let it go because it's not worth it. It was just another moment in life. Another moment for God to make me realize that I have to defend myself the next time. That the next time, I have to speak out.